Obsessive thoughts

So, I've been feeling obsessive lately. If we go ahead with the transfer we will be doing it in August. But right now, it is all-consuming. (Ok, so it's decided, and C told me to just go for it, so it's not if, it's when in my mind more about this later...)

My goodness I am totally driven to reproduce – it’s unbelievable. If someone told me building a house or starting a business would be this difficult I’d not give it a second thought. Yet, this is compelling. I want to grow old with family around me. I want to feel like I left a footprint on the planet and an impact on my family.

Most every waking moment I am wishing it was closer to August, wandering the malls looking at baby stuff, thinking about baby stuff, surfing the net about baby stuff...ugh.. is there something wrong with me? Do all women who will be TTC in a few months feel like I do? I am frustrated with myself. I am normally a very patient person, but I don't feel so patient right now. I just need to know if this is going to work. I have one shot at it, and if it doesn't work, I need to move on, truly move on. (Can I do that? I pray I can)

I have even found the Nursery I want to create for our(my) new little one. It's similar to the Sweet Dreams Nursery and the one in Turquoise and White Ikea has on their website. It will be similar to that. I love green and the crisp green and white is such my style. It will be a gorgeous nursery for a little boy or girl.

Yes, it is decided for me. I have this one shot at it. I am going to go for it. I have to.

It bothers me that I can't show my happiness about this decision, or talk about it. This is not how I wanted it to be. I want to feel something I have wanted my whole life... but again and again, I dont' get it, I guess I just never will.

Maybe as the nice weather starts and I can be out and doing more with the kids and dog I won't be obsessing so much. I need to do something with my time. I think I will paint this weekend. I have some trim I still need to do in our master bath we renovated last fall. I also want to take A out and see what color she would like me to paint her room. I'd like for it to be brighter, it seems so dark and drab right now. I think she needs a change, I am sure she will agree.

Anyways... On a more positive note... and something that should keep my mind elsewhere for a time...

I am going to Las Vegas with my friend K in April. I am really looking forward to that. I've never been to Las Vegas. We will be staying at the Luxor Pyramid hotel. We will be seeing Circ du Soleil as well, I think the water one which is called "O". We are going Easter weekend, which kind of sucks in a small way because I will be away from my family at Easter. I promised the kids that I will make it up to them. We are going to Edmonton at the end of March together, just the three of us. It's a 14 hour drive, but I am looking forward to the alone time with the kids. More time to think about the things I want in life, the changes I need to make and the way I want things to be. It will be good for us.

I wanted to get a few things out of the way before I TTC'd. I've been to the Tropics (Punta Cana) in Feb and now Las Vegas. At least I can say I've done a few things. Travel has never been a big deal for me. I have taken the kids to Florida to Disney a few years back, and all over Canada, but never until C, have I been all that interested in going too far.

We didn't take the kids to Punta Cana this year, and they were disappointed, I felt bad. I enjoy my little family and want to do things with them, I like to include them in things. I have no qualms in taking the kids to a tropical paradise, but C wanted for just "us" to go, so I did that for her.

Next winter after I (we) TTC I may take the kids, because after, if it works, it will be a year or two before we can go again. I wouldn't want to take a young infant somewhere like that, but a 2 yr old I can handle. I will have to see how it all goes.

Well, that's it for now, I should really go and get some work done. I'm getting behind already.

A great day to you all!