She said it OUT LOUD!

C has a habit of questioning or talking about things and then they actually happen. Like, "Hey, didn't we just have a conversation about that last week?" We joke about her talking about winning a million dollars so that will come also transpire.

So last night it happened again, I don't recall what it was at the moment, but it was something that we had just recently discussed and then it came to fruition. As we were lying in bed she asked me if there was anything I was afraid to say out loud. There was but I wouldn't say it. She bugged and bugged me to tell her, but I stood strong. I told her I am superstitious and that I didn't want to say it out loud, or it woud come true. She finally relented.

About ten minutes later... she asked "Is it about having twins?" I sat up in our bed startled... jumped out and onto the floor, turned around and looked at her in utter disbelief. I yellled... "Nooooooooooo... you said it OUT LOUD!" "Omg, I can't believe you did that." As sweet as it would be to get two for one, it scares me. I already had high blood pressure in one pregnancy, I'm afraid of the NICU and complications. Wow, the scarier part is that SHE said it OUT. LOUD. Her, the jinx. OMG...

She said she will kill me if I get preggers with twins because she only wants me to put in one. Ummm... no with only one shot at this and a heck of a lot of money, I am not going to take the chance. She jinxed us... not me. She said it out loud.

OMG.

July it is!

The doctor confirmed I can start my frozen ivf cycle this July! I start Estrace today. It's now or never. I'll find out by the end of this month if I am going to be a Mommy again or not. It's been a long wait since January. One shot and if it doesn't work, it's move on and get over it, start living my life. I've just been in limbo for so long now.

C seems distant, sulking, disinterested. I suspect she’s in denial about it all and I get angry because she is unwilling or unable to express her feelings. I know she’s having a hard time with the details, but she’s such a pragmatist that I can understand that she comes across as disinterested. To her mind, it’s “Let’s just do it. No point in procrastinating, or reading all there is to know. It is what it is.” I interpret her laissez faire approach to mean that she doesn’t care. Which I know isn’t true. It just bugs me that she’s not asking questions, or being as “present” as I’d like her to be. Somewhere deep inside, I fear that this is a precursor to her being distant and disinterested in any future child(ren) we may have. That she will never feel they are truly hers. It takes away from my excitement of going through with this. I also feel that in some ways if this doesn't work, it will be a relief. She will be relieved that it will be just her and I in a few years. For me that is gutwrenching. It's not that I don't want to be with her, it's just that my children are my world, I enjoy being busy with them. I enjoy having my days and nights filled with them.

I am scared for it to work, and scared for it to not.

Protocol

I am to continue with the Birth Control Pills and call with the July (end of July beginningof August) Day one. 21 days on BCP, off 4 days then restart another 21 off 4. Looking at July 31 to beginning of August (1st to 3rd ish,) start Estrace on day 2 of bleed, endothickness approx August 12th protocol change approx August 16th and transfer August 20th.

Stop to smell the flowers...

In thinking back, I feel I never got to "truly" enjoy my 2 children when they were very small. I had them young, went through some very personal and painful things and was trying so hard to find myself. I feel that though I was always present, I missed them along the way. It's been years now, but I really try to make a concious effort to stop with them and smell the flowers along the way. To make sure we spend "quality" time together. Now that I am older and "wiser", I see a lot of people "missing" their children. They are busy on their cell phones, absent from their children, ignoring them and yelling at their children because they are not paying attention and the child has said Mommy or Daddy 20 or so times before Mom or Dad finally says "WHAT!?!?" By then it's too late... the moment is lost.

I notice things much differently as I get older. My Mother and Father feel I should be in a place where I am waiting for my kids to grow up and move out of the house as they did. I do not want that, I want to savour the time we have left which is not very long in the grand scheme of things. I want the days to move slower, in fact I want those days back. I want my little kids back. I enjoy my children.

As hard as this is for people to hear, in my opinion infertility makes people appreciate their children more. Being a 2x surrogate and egg donor and being around many infertility circles, I know this to be true. People popping out children every time they look at their partner just add another oopsie to their brood, they just don't get it. They are the ones I see with 3 or 4 kids in tow talking on their cell phones at the park while the kid is yelling...."mom...mom...look at me mom...mooooooom....look at meeeeeeeeeee...mom?" It is sad. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this. Hell yes, at least they are at the park... ok. Yes, you took them outside.. but for god sake interact with them! P-L-A-Y with them! These years go by much to quickly and pretty soon they'll be asking you to drive them to work or for the keys to the car and if they can go to a movie with their friends and not with you anymore.

I know this time around I will be a different sort of parent. Live and learn so they say and it is so very true. My children now benefit from my knowledge and my future child(ren) will have a much different life than a lot of kids out there. We will interact with them, show them the world and PLAY with them. We do not wait for them to grow up and move away, we savour every day that we have with them. We enjoy every moment.

We will stop to smell the flowers...

Even Grover gets it...

Watch this one minute Sesame Street video and tell me why a Muppet and a toddler get it but millions of others don't.




Need I say more?

multiples...

So I contacted the doc on my day one for June. Looks like the frozen transfer date will be around the 20th of August. Wow, we have an estimated date!

I have been thinking a lot about multiples lately and frankly triplets scare the crap out of me. I mean I have this one attempt at this, so I thought ok, I'll transfer 3 and have a good shot at getting one, but then Im reading some of these blogs where all 3 have stuck! There are complications for the Moms, for the babies, and nevermind having to raise 5 children...so I am just a little nervous to transfer 3. I think I will stick with 2. There is a fellow blogger who just transferred 3 and after TTC for years is pregnant with high numbers from the blood test. I am hoping for her sake as a single mother by choice it isn't more than 2. The little embryos can split! Causing quads or more, scary. I have reead that IVF has a high multiple rate due to assisted hatching etc. I will be stalking her blog tomorrow afternoon to find out what her ultrasound had to say.

So I am relatively young, been through 2 rounds of IVF before resulting in 1 child each. They both worked the first shot. I transferred 2 embies both times and ended up with one. I am torn... do I risk it and take this one chance I have and go with 3 or be truly realistic and just transfer 2. I know what I am leaning towards, but I just want it to work!

I am pretty sure I know what C's answer would be. She is terrified of have multiples of any sort. I know what the logical part of my brain is telling me I need to just go with that and stop agonizing over the decision!

New Beginnings...

Woohoo, we bought the house! It's an almost 1500 sqft cabover.

What a difference a couple of months can make. We went from selling to renovating, to selling, buying, to not buying to buying our dream home. wow.

C and I have been looking at houses like this for years now. Around the time we first met she took me to the Parade of homes just to look around. I had never been before and I fell in love with the new style of home. I love the built in's and cabover bedroom. We are so excited. We move in August 7th. Ours finally sold just recently so we could finally get into the search for our new home. After a couple of weeks we managed to find this gem on Comfree. We will get the details finalized this week, but it's ours. I thought buying/selling with Comfree would be more difficult, not at all, in fact it is quite easy. Unfortunately, we didn't sell with comfree, would have saved ourselves about $10 grand if we did. Live and learn.

On the baby front I should get my schedule this week! I am to call in on my day one and they will prepare my schedule for August. Day one should be tomorrow or the next! I'm pretty pumped.

All is moving along quite FAST now. I'll update when I get my info from the clinic.