July it is!

The doctor confirmed I can start my frozen ivf cycle this July! I start Estrace today. It's now or never. I'll find out by the end of this month if I am going to be a Mommy again or not. It's been a long wait since January. One shot and if it doesn't work, it's move on and get over it, start living my life. I've just been in limbo for so long now.

C seems distant, sulking, disinterested. I suspect she’s in denial about it all and I get angry because she is unwilling or unable to express her feelings. I know she’s having a hard time with the details, but she’s such a pragmatist that I can understand that she comes across as disinterested. To her mind, it’s “Let’s just do it. No point in procrastinating, or reading all there is to know. It is what it is.” I interpret her laissez faire approach to mean that she doesn’t care. Which I know isn’t true. It just bugs me that she’s not asking questions, or being as “present” as I’d like her to be. Somewhere deep inside, I fear that this is a precursor to her being distant and disinterested in any future child(ren) we may have. That she will never feel they are truly hers. It takes away from my excitement of going through with this. I also feel that in some ways if this doesn't work, it will be a relief. She will be relieved that it will be just her and I in a few years. For me that is gutwrenching. It's not that I don't want to be with her, it's just that my children are my world, I enjoy being busy with them. I enjoy having my days and nights filled with them.

I am scared for it to work, and scared for it to not.