Faith, Hope, Believe

Ok, so I said we had one shot at this. We didn't want to bankrupt our family on this venture. I have had faith that this would work. Although I was scared it wouldn't, I did believe it would. It was total devastation when it didn't, my heart is still in the pit of my stomach. When I got the first 2 negatives, I was completely heartbroken, but chose to look to the positive... I still had "Hope". I thought, ok, it's just a late implanter, I was obsessive going over the Beta HCG charts, believing we still had a chance... but it turned out not to be. Since finding out it was negative I've been so compulsive and obsessed with finding a way that we could have one more try. I believed it could happen if we just tried to figure out some way to do it.

It's amazing what the power of intention can do for you.

I have a dear friend. I've only known her for maybe 2 years, but she's been such a supporting and caring friend. After this last loss she knew we were done, that we couldn't try again for financial reasons. She has offered to "give" us half of the money for a second frozen transfer. Can you believe this? She says that money is nothing compared to what I've done for people in the past...as in carrying their children for them. I am considering this, yet, it doesn't feel right. She has the money, I wouldn't be taking her grocery or rent money, but it feels awkward and strange. How can you just "take" that kind of money from someone, especially a friend. It is an amazing gift, but I just don't know how to accept it.

There is a quote that keeps ringing in my mind... "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. shakespeare

I gave her my feelings and stated the above quote. She said she wouldn't want the money back, and wouldn't hold it against me if it didn't work again this time. She said nothing compares to seeing her friends happy. Wow. I told her I would ponder it and let her know.

Our wedding rings arrived yesterday. They are so beautiful. White gold with a .5 carat and 4 tiny diamonds along the side. Another thing purchased prior to the neg. *Sigh* I had such high hopes that everything was going to fall into place.

So, we are off to Vegas tonight for the long weekend. It was an early birthday gift from C and she has never been. It was a great deal, not like we are breaking the bank on this venture or anything. Feels bad we are going to Vegas now when we should be using the money on another try, but it was paid for months ago, before we got the big FAT ----. It is a good time to get away though. I guess I can have a few drinks now. We need this escape even if it is just for a few days.

VEGAS HERE WE COME!!