Z's birthday was yesterday... fifteen, my first born. Wow. Where does the time go? It's painful to think sometimes that our lives are just flying by. I feel that I had so much going on when he was born that I didn't get to fully enjoy him. I was young, had to go back to work early, he stayed with his Nanny, and i worked. I miss those days with him, in our tiny townhouse, just him and I. It makes me sad to think in 3 years he'll be an ADULT. Wow. Tell me where the time went. I miss you my little man.

I work in post-partum, I guess that doesn't really make my baby obsession any better. Monday-Friday are consumed with babies. Baby referrals, mom referrals, babies, babies babies. I just can't get away from it.

Over the weekend we went to look at houses. We want to get something a little bigger for the kids. Their rooms now are just so small and crowded. They are getting to an age where they spend a lot of time in their rooms, and I want them to be comfortable. We are going to find out what our home is worth now in order to see how far up the property ladder we can climb.


Z's birthday was yesterday, he got a bunch of money to go clothes shopping with. I'll take him and A out this weekend to do some shopping. A has her b-day party with friends at Brushfire ceramic studio, they will make pottery and have some fun with friends. Should be fun.

Obsessive thoughts

So, I've been feeling obsessive lately. If we go ahead with the transfer we will be doing it in August. But right now, it is all-consuming. (Ok, so it's decided, and C told me to just go for it, so it's not if, it's when in my mind more about this later...)

My goodness I am totally driven to reproduce – it’s unbelievable. If someone told me building a house or starting a business would be this difficult I’d not give it a second thought. Yet, this is compelling. I want to grow old with family around me. I want to feel like I left a footprint on the planet and an impact on my family.

Most every waking moment I am wishing it was closer to August, wandering the malls looking at baby stuff, thinking about baby stuff, surfing the net about baby stuff...ugh.. is there something wrong with me? Do all women who will be TTC in a few months feel like I do? I am frustrated with myself. I am normally a very patient person, but I don't feel so patient right now. I just need to know if this is going to work. I have one shot at it, and if it doesn't work, I need to move on, truly move on. (Can I do that? I pray I can)

I have even found the Nursery I want to create for our(my) new little one. It's similar to the Sweet Dreams Nursery and the one in Turquoise and White Ikea has on their website. It will be similar to that. I love green and the crisp green and white is such my style. It will be a gorgeous nursery for a little boy or girl.

Yes, it is decided for me. I have this one shot at it. I am going to go for it. I have to.

It bothers me that I can't show my happiness about this decision, or talk about it. This is not how I wanted it to be. I want to feel something I have wanted my whole life... but again and again, I dont' get it, I guess I just never will.

Maybe as the nice weather starts and I can be out and doing more with the kids and dog I won't be obsessing so much. I need to do something with my time. I think I will paint this weekend. I have some trim I still need to do in our master bath we renovated last fall. I also want to take A out and see what color she would like me to paint her room. I'd like for it to be brighter, it seems so dark and drab right now. I think she needs a change, I am sure she will agree.

Anyways... On a more positive note... and something that should keep my mind elsewhere for a time...

I am going to Las Vegas with my friend K in April. I am really looking forward to that. I've never been to Las Vegas. We will be staying at the Luxor Pyramid hotel. We will be seeing Circ du Soleil as well, I think the water one which is called "O". We are going Easter weekend, which kind of sucks in a small way because I will be away from my family at Easter. I promised the kids that I will make it up to them. We are going to Edmonton at the end of March together, just the three of us. It's a 14 hour drive, but I am looking forward to the alone time with the kids. More time to think about the things I want in life, the changes I need to make and the way I want things to be. It will be good for us.

I wanted to get a few things out of the way before I TTC'd. I've been to the Tropics (Punta Cana) in Feb and now Las Vegas. At least I can say I've done a few things. Travel has never been a big deal for me. I have taken the kids to Florida to Disney a few years back, and all over Canada, but never until C, have I been all that interested in going too far.

We didn't take the kids to Punta Cana this year, and they were disappointed, I felt bad. I enjoy my little family and want to do things with them, I like to include them in things. I have no qualms in taking the kids to a tropical paradise, but C wanted for just "us" to go, so I did that for her.

Next winter after I (we) TTC I may take the kids, because after, if it works, it will be a year or two before we can go again. I wouldn't want to take a young infant somewhere like that, but a 2 yr old I can handle. I will have to see how it all goes.

Well, that's it for now, I should really go and get some work done. I'm getting behind already.

A great day to you all!

My Creations

I thought I would share these with you. These are the type of babies I create. They are called reborn dolls. They are created from a plain blank plastic doll sculpt. I paint them to look like a real baby and then put them together with a cuddly body. They are floppy like a real baby and smell and look so real. I got into this over the years while longing for a baby. I sell them to people who are looking to fill a void, or want a replica of their own baby. It is a hobby I really enjoy. I have adopted babies all over the world, Russia, USA, Canada, UK etc etc.

C finds it creepy having baby body parts all over the house and in the oven. (It is a heat set paint so I have to put the body parts in the oven!)

That might be creepy, but the finished product is quite lovely.

BCP's

The clinic has already put me on BCP’s for now to make sure my cycles are regulated. August just seems so far away.

A woman at my work just found out she’s pregnant. She had a miscarriage while I was a few months pregnant with peanut. I am so happy for her. I felt terrible when she lost her baby. It felt awkward that I was pregnant and she was no longer. It’s not a nice feeling to be walking around with a big belly that is not even really yours (re: surrogacy) when someone else is dying inside as each month turns to the next without another pregnancy. She’s been trying almost a year now and ended up on clomid before she finally got pregnant. She is in the very early stages right now, and I really hope it all works out for her.

As for us, I feel good that I am on Birth Control. Even though in our situation we would never need it. haha. Makes me feel that we're on our way, slowly as it may be.

Fears...

I made the decision to get my tubes tied, I made that choice. I sometimes feel now that I don’t really have the right to be given another child, and that is where my fear lies now.

My fear now is that it will not work for me. I have done IVF twice before with success on the first try! Why am I afraid it won't work this time? I think maybe because I only have ONE shot at it. When I was doing this for other people, I knew we were going to try at least three cycles, so there was not a lot of worry involved.

I never felt the worry, it worked the first attempt.

I am afraid it won’t be the same for me now that I am doing this for myself.

C’s fear (when we have talked in the past) is it will produce more than one babe. That I could be some Octuplet Mom! Haha… but seriously... No, we would be transferring 2 embryos (maybe 3 depending on the quality and for a better chance of having one.)

It is now only March. The transfer would be sometime in August or September, it seems a lifetime away. I promised C that if we decide to do this we will have a summer where we can do things together and have a good time, as last summer I was pregnant with the peanut. This way if it works I will be pregnant over the winter and have the baby in the spring of 2010, which would work out nicely for all of us.

Back on the baby track...One shot...

How all this baby talk started was that 3 weeks after peanut was born, I contacted my fertility clinic with whom by now I have done now 2 surrogacies and a couple of egg donations.

I wanted to see what my options were if I was able to convince C for us to TTC.

Anyways, I talked my fertility Doctor (who is the most amazing by the way! He is in Toronto and contact me if you want his info) about my options.

Tubal reversal which is surgery, very costly and not guaranteed to work.

And..

The possibility of a complete IVF cycle myself since I have had such great success with that both times I did surrogacy’s.

And…

The possibility of IVF using the remaining eggs that I recently donated to my friends. That cycle ended up producing 38 eggs, so there are quite a few remaining.

My Fert Doc thought that my last proposal was a fabulous one. I could use a couple of the remaining embryos from my friends transfer and implant them in me. One time, one shot.

My fertility Doctor and I had a great chat. He is giving me the cycle for cost. It is less than half of what a normal frozen egg transfer would cost.

I have one shot at this, 2 (or 3 which is very scary) little embryos to be implanted.