Faith, Hope, Believe

Ok, so I said we had one shot at this. We didn't want to bankrupt our family on this venture. I have had faith that this would work. Although I was scared it wouldn't, I did believe it would. It was total devastation when it didn't, my heart is still in the pit of my stomach. When I got the first 2 negatives, I was completely heartbroken, but chose to look to the positive... I still had "Hope". I thought, ok, it's just a late implanter, I was obsessive going over the Beta HCG charts, believing we still had a chance... but it turned out not to be. Since finding out it was negative I've been so compulsive and obsessed with finding a way that we could have one more try. I believed it could happen if we just tried to figure out some way to do it.

It's amazing what the power of intention can do for you.

I have a dear friend. I've only known her for maybe 2 years, but she's been such a supporting and caring friend. After this last loss she knew we were done, that we couldn't try again for financial reasons. She has offered to "give" us half of the money for a second frozen transfer. Can you believe this? She says that money is nothing compared to what I've done for people in the past...as in carrying their children for them. I am considering this, yet, it doesn't feel right. She has the money, I wouldn't be taking her grocery or rent money, but it feels awkward and strange. How can you just "take" that kind of money from someone, especially a friend. It is an amazing gift, but I just don't know how to accept it.

There is a quote that keeps ringing in my mind... "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. shakespeare

I gave her my feelings and stated the above quote. She said she wouldn't want the money back, and wouldn't hold it against me if it didn't work again this time. She said nothing compares to seeing her friends happy. Wow. I told her I would ponder it and let her know.

Our wedding rings arrived yesterday. They are so beautiful. White gold with a .5 carat and 4 tiny diamonds along the side. Another thing purchased prior to the neg. *Sigh* I had such high hopes that everything was going to fall into place.

So, we are off to Vegas tonight for the long weekend. It was an early birthday gift from C and she has never been. It was a great deal, not like we are breaking the bank on this venture or anything. Feels bad we are going to Vegas now when we should be using the money on another try, but it was paid for months ago, before we got the big FAT ----. It is a good time to get away though. I guess I can have a few drinks now. We need this escape even if it is just for a few days.

VEGAS HERE WE COME!!

Negative

Nope, no light at the end of the tunnel. The end. Utter Sadness.

13dp3dt - Waiting for beta results...

Still no AF. Went for my beta today at 730am.. a day early. Wishing that the beta number is just low and not a negative.

Hoping that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting...hoping...praying.

Day 11...

Brokenhearted day 10

I dreamt 3 times last night that I got a positive on the pee stick. It was such feeling of excitement. Every time I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt scared. I had been pretending I didn't have to pee since 5am, it was now 730. I was very afraid. I think I just knew. It was 10 days past my 3 day snowbaby transfer. Something should have shown by this stage of the game. I ooggled and strained my eyes looking for a line. Nothing.

I made it back to the bed before the tears came. C hugged me and told me she was sorry. She didn't really know what else to say.

I don't either.

The Big Transfer Day

Well we made it. We got here late last night and I was up late and woke at 4am, I couldn't sleep. Partly because of nerves and partly because C wasn't here with me. Unfortunately due to work she couldn't make it. We were both sad, but it worked out ok.

I finally got out of bed at 7am showered watched a bit of TLC baby shows for good luck and I was on my way. I am proud to say that I navigated the TT.C bus system quite well. It took about a half hour to get to the coffee shop across the street from the clinic. I was there at the coffee shop at 9am and didn't have to be at the clinic until 1030 so I wasted time by texting C and drank my alotment of java and water.

The WORST thing about IVF is that you have to have a full bladder. The fact that the transfers are almost always late is another thing. Hello?!? You said to have a full bladder for 11am, it is now 1125am and it is overflowing!! It is so uncomfortable to have a full bladder, lying flat on a table with your legs spread eagle and then the ultrasound probe on your stomach...PUSHING ON YOUR FULL BLADDER!! Before the doctor came in the ultrasound tech wouldn't let me go relieve a bit. The doc came in as I was hopping off the table and told him there was going to be trouble for him (if you know what I mean - uhm sitting infront of my ladybits when i am about to explode). He was like, "Yes... yes, go ahead no problem." GRRR why couldn't the ultrasound lady be as generous. Did I mention that they push on your bladder... when it's full??

The whole thing once the doc got in there took about 12 minutes. I saw it all on a big tv screen, two perfect 8 celled embryos he said. This was a 3 day tranfer. I got pictures of my totsicles which I will post on my blog once I get them scanned. I will do a preggo test on day 7, it is early, but I will test next thursday and friday am. There is really no point in poas any earlier than that.

After the transfer I sat for a half hour or 40 minutes and then went back to my hotel. I slept a couple of hours and been scowering the internet since.

I'm excited. The next two weeks shall drag, but I will keep busy with packing for our big move. Actually it is only one week before I test, but the 30th is when I will get my final answer.

2 more days...

I leave tomorrow night, 7pm flight. Found a hotel with shuttle service close to the airport ~whew~. I plan on taking my laptop since I will be held up in a hotel for a couple of days. I am sooo not looking forward to that terribly full bladder. The progestrone I've been taking kicked in after one day and I am feeling oh so bloated. I already look somewhat preggers.

The frozen transfer is scheduled for 11am on Thursday. I know there are 8 embryos frozen and waiting, they will unthaw 2 at a time. I hope we get 2 really good embryos to transfer. I haven't heard anything further from the clinic, and hope they give me more information than they have been. It's frustrating to ask questions via email and get 1 or 2 sentences back. I want an explanation! (grumble) It's pretty difficult doing this outside of your own city.

So I have a pretty late flight to go home. I really wish that I could hang out at Ikea for the afternoon and pick out things for A & Z's new rooms, but I have to rest. I want to make sure I did everything I could so as not to ruin any slight chance I may have. I will bring a couple of books and my laptop, to keep me busy. I'll have to check and see if the hotel will give me a late checkout say around 4pm, as my flight is not until 9pm on Friday. What would I do at the airport for a full 10 hours...yike, no thanks.

I'll update with a full account of my experience when I get back to the hotel.

I'm nervous, yet excited. Please pray for us that this works!

Get ready...get set.....

Ultrasound was this morning. Got there about 10 minutes before my appointment, paid the hundred bucks for the ultrasound and was ushered into a room, sat there and waited for the Doctor. I've seen him a few times before. I go to this particular clinc for monitoring before the big show in To.ronto. I couldn't get into this particular clinic as this is a pretty small city with only one fertility clinic so they have a pretty huge waiting list. When you decide to have baby, who wants to wait around on a waiting list for 9 months... no... I'm all let's get the show on the road!

My lining is 13mm as per this scottish Doctor. "Looks perfect for a great outcome" were his words. I had to be over 0.8mm and ovaries were quiet, so I think I made it. As I walked out, the nurse gave me pictures of my uterus and was faxing the info to my doc in TO. I also emailed my clinic as soon as I got to my car. Nothing from them yet, but as usual in IVF it's hurry up and wait!

I was nervous when I got up this morning. C said everything will be fine. I texted her after the appointment to tell her everything went well and that she was right... her reply.... "Twins??" Smartass.

Should be starting progesterone on the 12th and the big transfer day the 16th @ 11am. We're on our way!

Little stresses

So, I caved and bought my plane ticket last night. I've been watching the flights like a hawk between Air Can.ada and West.jet. They were basically the same for the last couple of weeks and then last night after work West.jet's flights were all of a sudden 80 bucks more each way so I freaked out a little bit, then purchased the slightly cheaper tickets from Air Can.ada.

This morning...... I check West.jet and O.M.G the flights are now like 99 bucks each way. Holy. Shit. I'm all stressing OUT cause I just purchased tickets last night with a different airline at a heck of a higher price! As if this whole IVF ordeal doesn't cost enough! I'm trying to get the best deals I can here!

Fortunately I was smart! I did not choose the "no refund or changes" option which would have taken off a few more dollars from my ticket. I did manage to get a full refund on that ticket! Sweeeeeet! Crisis diverted. I purchased from West.jet moments later.

So, did I say I had a plan? Well I did. I planned to fly the cheapest flight I could, arrange to stay a couple days in a hotel to rest and then fly home. I planned on staying at the hotel nearest to my clinic and to the airport. The hotel with a free shuttle service to and from the airport. The hotel that shuttles you to the Subway station which will save me mucho Denaro. The same hotel that I just found out today....NO LONGER HAS A SHUTTLE SERVICE! Sheesh. So now Im wasting my morning searching for a hotel with a free shuttle service close to the airport but also close to my clinic. Not an easy task, but thank you goo.gle. There are a few hotels but really not very close to my clinic. I found one, but it's going to cost me a bit to taxi it to my clinic in the am. F&$! So much for my plan.

I am happy I got my flight much cheaper though. Now...let's just hope that the ultrasound tomorrow fairs well, everything goes as planned and I'll be off to TO next Weds night!

3 Days and counting...

to my ultrasound on Friday. They will check my lining to make sure it is sufficient. Sufficient is 0.8mm or greater. If it isn't it will prolong my protocol or cancel the cycle all together. I'm feeling a little bloated lately so I am hoping that is a good sign. Other side effects to estrace included, tiredness, dizziness, nausea and headaches. Mood seems pretty normal according to C so that is a bonus.

Today I feel good. Got a lot of sleep last couple of days. Loving the naps I've been taking lately. Been exercising regularly taking my vitamins and eating (somewhat) healthy. Don't have a very big appetite lately so that keeps me from eating a bunch of crap.

Weekend was full of packing and getting A off for her summer vacation. Z is around and working quite a bit. Just got his first real job at a gas station and a cell phone (oh lordy). Proud of him though. He almost made the honor role a little bit more hard work and he would have upped it that one percent he needed. 79% not so bad for a 15 year old boy. He's so smart, but doesn't apply himself, if he did, he'd be upwards of 90's for percentage.

A did well in school also, she went up in almost everything, but for her age there is no percentages I think that starts this fall for her.

Both kids went to the Jo.nas Bro.thers concert on Sunday. Their first concert alone, and they seemed to have a great time. Fun to feel a little independence.

I am still debating whether to leave the night before the tranfer or leave the morning of. I have to be at the clinic for 1030am, so technically I could make it if I took the 520am flight, but Im thinking it might be best to just go down the night before just to be on the safe side. Decisions decisions.

I'll update again on Friday.

Happy Canada Day!

HAPPY CANADA DAY.




We all spent the evening with my brother, his wife and my 3 year old nephew. We had a bbq and my brother sent off fireworks again this year. My kids slept over with them and went to the beach the next day. C and I just enjoyed the day alone, went for breakfast and walked around and enjoyed the Canada Day Festivities. We saw a little baby in a stroller with Canada Day socks...LOL

Poor A, she really needs her sleep, she's 11 and moody as it is. She was up til 100am with my brother and up by 8am. Not a good combination for her. We were going to go out and get some fireworks to fool around with last night, but she was NOT in any mood for fun. I decided to have her hit the hay early and we'd do it Thursday or Friday night. She just cannot handle late nights unless she can sleep in. She was up today by 8am, therefore that was a full 12 hours sleep for her, she should be caught up a bit now.


Got an email from the Doc on the holiday no less. I'm hopping up and down at 5pm last night when the email came through by blackberry. I go to have my little totsicles deposited on July 16th! I was like whoa! You're kidding! I knew it was going to be this month, but to actually have the day narrowed down is just fabulous and exciting. It's not very long now. 7 months of waiting has actually gone by very quickly. The next two weeks will just fly by. Blood work, ultrasounds and more blood work... here we go again.


I have to feign sickness and fly in to Toronto on the eve of July 15 and the next morning is the day. I'll go back and rest at the hotel for the night and then fly home the next day, the 17th. I pray that is enough time for the little babies to settle in there. I'd leave earlier as I hate to be away from home, but I want to make sure I rest to give them a good chance.

Another exciting feature of my little holiday in the middile of the week (Canada Day). I am a fairly new blogger, but am a huge lurker and commenter. I have my favs and today one of them tagged me in a meme. Woot. This is my first time doing this, so bear with me.




For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.



Ok, here it goes....


1. Children. Particularly my 11 and 15 yr olds, Z and A - also my 3 year old Nephew A who tells me "I love you Auntie Nay." God love him.


2. My partner C - my greatest fan, huge support and comedienne extrodinaire, she makes me laugh every day.

3. Punta Cana, my first tropical vacation spot ever. Oh so beautiful, warm ocean and fabulous waves. I will be back for sure!



4. Going for long walks at the dog park with my dog Presley. She's a Weimaraner.













5. Massage from Amber my masseuse. C and I joke that I was beat up by a skinny chick, she is so tiny, yet, the next day I feel like I've been beaten up or hit by a truck. BUT... she really works out those knots and tense spots, she's fab.


6. Rainstorms, walking and playing around in the rain


7. Finishing a project, and planning a new one



And now for the 7 bloggers I love...



Wendy and Karen


Shannon


Dora


J&B


Jonie


meandbaby


whatIF