Serendipitously yours...

Faith, Hope, Believe

2009-07-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I said we had one shot at this. We didn't want to bankrupt our family on this venture. I have had faith that this would work. Although I was scared it wouldn't, I did believe it would. It was total devastation when it didn't, my heart is still in the pit of my stomach. When I got the first 2 negatives, I was completely heartbroken, but chose to look to the positive... I still had "Hope". I thought, ok, it's just a late implanter, I was obsessive going over the Beta HCG charts, believing we still had a chance... but it turned out not to be. Since finding out it was negative I've been so compulsive and obsessed with finding a way that we could have one more try. I believed it could happen if we just tried to figure out some way to do it.

It's amazing what the power of intention can do for you.

I have a dear friend. I've only known her for maybe 2 years, but she's been such a supporting and caring friend. After this last loss she knew we were done, that we couldn't try again for financial reasons. She has offered to "give" us half of the money for a second frozen transfer. Can you believe this? She says that money is nothing compared to what I've done for people in the past...as in carrying their children for them. I am considering this, yet, it doesn't feel right. She has the money, I wouldn't be taking her grocery or rent money, but it feels awkward and strange. How can you just "take" that kind of money from someone, especially a friend. It is an amazing gift, but I just don't know how to accept it.

There is a quote that keeps ringing in my mind... "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. shakespeare

I gave her my feelings and stated the above quote. She said she wouldn't want the money back, and wouldn't hold it against me if it didn't work again this time. She said nothing compares to seeing her friends happy. Wow. I told her I would ponder it and let her know.

Our wedding rings arrived yesterday. They are so beautiful. White gold with a .5 carat and 4 tiny diamonds along the side. Another thing purchased prior to the neg. *Sigh* I had such high hopes that everything was going to fall into place.

So, we are off to Vegas tonight for the long weekend. It was an early birthday gift from C and she has never been. It was a great deal, not like we are breaking the bank on this venture or anything. Feels bad we are going to Vegas now when we should be using the money on another try, but it was paid for months ago, before we got the big FAT ----. It is a good time to get away though. I guess I can have a few drinks now. We need this escape even if it is just for a few days.

VEGAS HERE WE COME!!

Negative

2009-07-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

Nope, no light at the end of the tunnel. The end. Utter Sadness.

13dp3dt - Waiting for beta results...

2009-07-29T07:52:00.001-07:00

Still no AF. Went for my beta today at 730am.. a day early. Wishing that the beta number is just low and not a negative.

Hoping that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting...hoping...praying.

Day 11...

2009-07-27T13:23:00.001-07:00

Brokenhearted day 10

2009-07-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

I dreamt 3 times last night that I got a positive on the pee stick. It was such feeling of excitement. Every time I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt scared. I had been pretending I didn't have to pee since 5am, it was now 730. I was very afraid. I think I just knew. It was 10 days past my 3 day snowbaby transfer. Something should have shown by this stage of the game. I ooggled and strained my eyes looking for a line. Nothing.

I made it back to the bed before the tears came. C hugged me and told me she was sorry. She didn't really know what else to say.

I don't either.

The Big Transfer Day

2009-07-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

Well we made it. We got here late last night and I was up late and woke at 4am, I couldn't sleep. Partly because of nerves and partly because C wasn't here with me. Unfortunately due to work she couldn't make it. We were both sad, but it worked out ok.

I finally got out of bed at 7am showered watched a bit of TLC baby shows for good luck and I was on my way. I am proud to say that I navigated the TT.C bus system quite well. It took about a half hour to get to the coffee shop across the street from the clinic. I was there at the coffee shop at 9am and didn't have to be at the clinic until 1030 so I wasted time by texting C and drank my alotment of java and water.

The WORST thing about IVF is that you have to have a full bladder. The fact that the transfers are almost always late is another thing. Hello?!? You said to have a full bladder for 11am, it is now 1125am and it is overflowing!! It is so uncomfortable to have a full bladder, lying flat on a table with your legs spread eagle and then the ultrasound probe on your stomach...PUSHING ON YOUR FULL BLADDER!! Before the doctor came in the ultrasound tech wouldn't let me go relieve a bit. The doc came in as I was hopping off the table and told him there was going to be trouble for him (if you know what I mean - uhm sitting infront of my ladybits when i am about to explode). He was like, "Yes... yes, go ahead no problem." GRRR why couldn't the ultrasound lady be as generous. Did I mention that they push on your bladder... when it's full??

The whole thing once the doc got in there took about 12 minutes. I saw it all on a big tv screen, two perfect 8 celled embryos he said. This was a 3 day tranfer. I got pictures of my totsicles which I will post on my blog once I get them scanned. I will do a preggo test on day 7, it is early, but I will test next thursday and friday am. There is really no point in poas any earlier than that.

After the transfer I sat for a half hour or 40 minutes and then went back to my hotel. I slept a couple of hours and been scowering the internet since.

I'm excited. The next two weeks shall drag, but I will keep busy with packing for our big move. Actually it is only one week before I test, but the 30th is when I will get my final answer.

2 more days...

2009-07-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow night, 7pm flight. Found a hotel with shuttle service close to the airport ~whew~. I plan on taking my laptop since I will be held up in a hotel for a couple of days. I am sooo not looking forward to that terribly full bladder. The progestrone I've been taking kicked in after one day and I am feeling oh so bloated. I already look somewhat preggers.

The frozen transfer is scheduled for 11am on Thursday. I know there are 8 embryos frozen and waiting, they will unthaw 2 at a time. I hope we get 2 really good embryos to transfer. I haven't heard anything further from the clinic, and hope they give me more information than they have been. It's frustrating to ask questions via email and get 1 or 2 sentences back. I want an explanation! (grumble) It's pretty difficult doing this outside of your own city.

So I have a pretty late flight to go home. I really wish that I could hang out at Ikea for the afternoon and pick out things for A & Z's new rooms, but I have to rest. I want to make sure I did everything I could so as not to ruin any slight chance I may have. I will bring a couple of books and my laptop, to keep me busy. I'll have to check and see if the hotel will give me a late checkout say around 4pm, as my flight is not until 9pm on Friday. What would I do at the airport for a full 10 hours...yike, no thanks.

I'll update with a full account of my experience when I get back to the hotel.

I'm nervous, yet excited. Please pray for us that this works!

Get ready...get set.....

2009-07-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ultrasound was this morning. Got there about 10 minutes before my appointment, paid the hundred bucks for the ultrasound and was ushered into a room, sat there and waited for the Doctor. I've seen him a few times before. I go to this particular clinc for monitoring before the big show in To.ronto. I couldn't get into this particular clinic as this is a pretty small city with only one fertility clinic so they have a pretty huge waiting list. When you decide to have baby, who wants to wait around on a waiting list for 9 months... no... I'm all let's get the show on the road!

My lining is 13mm as per this scottish Doctor. "Looks perfect for a great outcome" were his words. I had to be over 0.8mm and ovaries were quiet, so I think I made it. As I walked out, the nurse gave me pictures of my uterus and was faxing the info to my doc in TO. I also emailed my clinic as soon as I got to my car. Nothing from them yet, but as usual in IVF it's hurry up and wait!

I was nervous when I got up this morning. C said everything will be fine. I texted her after the appointment to tell her everything went well and that she was right... her reply.... "Twins??" Smartass.

Should be starting progesterone on the 12th and the big transfer day the 16th @ 11am. We're on our way!

Little stresses

2009-07-09T10:13:00.001-07:00

So, I caved and bought my plane ticket last night. I've been watching the flights like a hawk between Air Can.ada and West.jet. They were basically the same for the last couple of weeks and then last night after work West.jet's flights were all of a sudden 80 bucks more each way so I freaked out a little bit, then purchased the slightly cheaper tickets from Air Can.ada.

This morning...... I check West.jet and O.M.G the flights are now like 99 bucks each way. Holy. Shit. I'm all stressing OUT cause I just purchased tickets last night with a different airline at a heck of a higher price! As if this whole IVF ordeal doesn't cost enough! I'm trying to get the best deals I can here!

Fortunately I was smart! I did not choose the "no refund or changes" option which would have taken off a few more dollars from my ticket. I did manage to get a full refund on that ticket! Sweeeeeet! Crisis diverted. I purchased from West.jet moments later.

So, did I say I had a plan? Well I did. I planned to fly the cheapest flight I could, arrange to stay a couple days in a hotel to rest and then fly home. I planned on staying at the hotel nearest to my clinic and to the airport. The hotel with a free shuttle service to and from the airport. The hotel that shuttles you to the Subway station which will save me mucho Denaro. The same hotel that I just found out today....NO LONGER HAS A SHUTTLE SERVICE! Sheesh. So now Im wasting my morning searching for a hotel with a free shuttle service close to the airport but also close to my clinic. Not an easy task, but thank you goo.gle. There are a few hotels but really not very close to my clinic. I found one, but it's going to cost me a bit to taxi it to my clinic in the am. F&$! So much for my plan.

I am happy I got my flight much cheaper though. Now...let's just hope that the ultrasound tomorrow fairs well, everything goes as planned and I'll be off to TO next Weds night!

3 Days and counting...

2009-07-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

to my ultrasound on Friday. They will check my lining to make sure it is sufficient. Sufficient is 0.8mm or greater. If it isn't it will prolong my protocol or cancel the cycle all together. I'm feeling a little bloated lately so I am hoping that is a good sign. Other side effects to estrace included, tiredness, dizziness, nausea and headaches. Mood seems pretty normal according to C so that is a bonus.

Today I feel good. Got a lot of sleep last couple of days. Loving the naps I've been taking lately. Been exercising regularly taking my vitamins and eating (somewhat) healthy. Don't have a very big appetite lately so that keeps me from eating a bunch of crap.

Weekend was full of packing and getting A off for her summer vacation. Z is around and working quite a bit. Just got his first real job at a gas station and a cell phone (oh lordy). Proud of him though. He almost made the honor role a little bit more hard work and he would have upped it that one percent he needed. 79% not so bad for a 15 year old boy. He's so smart, but doesn't apply himself, if he did, he'd be upwards of 90's for percentage.

A did well in school also, she went up in almost everything, but for her age there is no percentages I think that starts this fall for her.

Both kids went to the Jo.nas Bro.thers concert on Sunday. Their first concert alone, and they seemed to have a great time. Fun to feel a little independence.

I am still debating whether to leave the night before the tranfer or leave the morning of. I have to be at the clinic for 1030am, so technically I could make it if I took the 520am flight, but Im thinking it might be best to just go down the night before just to be on the safe side. Decisions decisions.

I'll update again on Friday.

Happy Canada Day!

2009-07-02T05:37:00.001-07:00

HAPPY CANADA DAY.

We all spent the evening with my brother, his wife and my 3 year old nephew. We had a bbq and my brother sent off fireworks again this year. My kids slept over with them and went to the beach the next day. C and I just enjoyed the day alone, went for breakfast and walked around and enjoyed the Canada Day Festivities. We saw a little baby in a stroller with Canada Day socks...LOL

Poor A, she really needs her sleep, she's 11 and moody as it is. She was up til 100am with my brother and up by 8am. Not a good combination for her. We were going to go out and get some fireworks to fool around with last night, but she was NOT in any mood for fun. I decided to have her hit the hay early and we'd do it Thursday or Friday night. She just cannot handle late nights unless she can sleep in. She was up today by 8am, therefore that was a full 12 hours sleep for her, she should be caught up a bit now.

Got an email from the Doc on the holiday no less. I'm hopping up and down at 5pm last night when the email came through by blackberry. I go to have my little totsicles deposited on July 16th! I was like whoa! You're kidding! I knew it was going to be this month, but to actually have the day narrowed down is just fabulous and exciting. It's not very long now. 7 months of waiting has actually gone by very quickly. The next two weeks will just fly by. Blood work, ultrasounds and more blood work... here we go again.

I have to feign sickness and fly in to Toronto on the eve of July 15 and the next morning is the day. I'll go back and rest at the hotel for the night and then fly home the next day, the 17th. I pray that is enough time for the little babies to settle in there. I'd leave earlier as I hate to be away from home, but I want to make sure I rest to give them a good chance.

Another exciting feature of my little holiday in the middile of the week (Canada Day). I am a fairly new blogger, but am a huge lurker and commenter. I have my favs and today one of them tagged me in a meme. Woot. This is my first time doing this, so bear with me.

For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.

Ok, here it goes....

1. Children. Particularly my 11 and 15 yr olds, Z and A - also my 3 year old Nephew A who tells me "I love you Auntie Nay." God love him.

2. My partner C - my greatest fan, huge support and comedienne extrodinaire, she makes me laugh every day.

3. Punta Cana, my first tropical vacation spot ever. Oh so beautiful, warm ocean and fabulous waves. I will be back for sure!

4. Going for long walks at the dog park with my dog Presley. She's a Weimaraner.

5. Massage from Amber my masseuse. C and I joke that I was beat up by a skinny chick, she is so tiny, yet, the next day I feel like I've been beaten up or hit by a truck. BUT... she really works out those knots and tense spots, she's fab.

6. Rainstorms, walking and playing around in the rain

7. Finishing a project, and planning a new one

And now for the 7 bloggers I love...

Wendy and Karen

Shannon

Dora

J&B

Jonie

meandbaby

whatIF

She said it OUT LOUD!

2009-06-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

C has a habit of questioning or talking about things and then they actually happen. Like, "Hey, didn't we just have a conversation about that last week?" We joke about her talking about winning a million dollars so that will come also transpire.

So last night it happened again, I don't recall what it was at the moment, but it was something that we had just recently discussed and then it came to fruition. As we were lying in bed she asked me if there was anything I was afraid to say out loud. There was but I wouldn't say it. She bugged and bugged me to tell her, but I stood strong. I told her I am superstitious and that I didn't want to say it out loud, or it woud come true. She finally relented.

About ten minutes later... she asked "Is it about having twins?" I sat up in our bed startled... jumped out and onto the floor, turned around and looked at her in utter disbelief. I yellled... "Nooooooooooo... you said it OUT LOUD!" "Omg, I can't believe you did that." As sweet as it would be to get two for one, it scares me. I already had high blood pressure in one pregnancy, I'm afraid of the NICU and complications. Wow, the scarier part is that SHE said it OUT. LOUD. Her, the jinx. OMG...

She said she will kill me if I get preggers with twins because she only wants me to put in one. Ummm... no with only one shot at this and a heck of a lot of money, I am not going to take the chance. She jinxed us... not me. She said it out loud.

OMG.

July it is!

2009-06-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

The doctor confirmed I can start my frozen ivf cycle this July! I start Estrace today. It's now or never. I'll find out by the end of this month if I am going to be a Mommy again or not. It's been a long wait since January. One shot and if it doesn't work, it's move on and get over it, start living my life. I've just been in limbo for so long now.

C seems distant, sulking, disinterested. I suspect she’s in denial about it all and I get angry because she is unwilling or unable to express her feelings. I know she’s having a hard time with the details, but she’s such a pragmatist that I can understand that she comes across as disinterested. To her mind, it’s “Let’s just do it. No point in procrastinating, or reading all there is to know. It is what it is.” I interpret her laissez faire approach to mean that she doesn’t care. Which I know isn’t true. It just bugs me that she’s not asking questions, or being as “present” as I’d like her to be. Somewhere deep inside, I fear that this is a precursor to her being distant and disinterested in any future child(ren) we may have. That she will never feel they are truly hers. It takes away from my excitement of going through with this. I also feel that in some ways if this doesn't work, it will be a relief. She will be relieved that it will be just her and I in a few years. For me that is gutwrenching. It's not that I don't want to be with her, it's just that my children are my world, I enjoy being busy with them. I enjoy having my days and nights filled with them.

I am scared for it to work, and scared for it to not.

Protocol

2009-06-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am to continue with the Birth Control Pills and call with the July (end of July beginningof August) Day one. 21 days on BCP, off 4 days then restart another 21 off 4. Looking at July 31 to beginning of August (1st to 3rd ish,) start Estrace on day 2 of bleed, endothickness approx August 12th protocol change approx August 16th and transfer August 20th.

Stop to smell the flowers...

2009-06-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

In thinking back, I feel I never got to "truly" enjoy my 2 children when they were very small. I had them young, went through some very personal and painful things and was trying so hard to find myself. I feel that though I was always present, I missed them along the way. It's been years now, but I really try to make a concious effort to stop with them and smell the flowers along the way. To make sure we spend "quality" time together. Now that I am older and "wiser", I see a lot of people "missing" their children. They are busy on their cell phones, absent from their children, ignoring them and yelling at their children because they are not paying attention and the child has said Mommy or Daddy 20 or so times before Mom or Dad finally says "WHAT!?!?" By then it's too late... the moment is lost.

I notice things much differently as I get older. My Mother and Father feel I should be in a place where I am waiting for my kids to grow up and move out of the house as they did. I do not want that, I want to savour the time we have left which is not very long in the grand scheme of things. I want the days to move slower, in fact I want those days back. I want my little kids back. I enjoy my children.

As hard as this is for people to hear, in my opinion infertility makes people appreciate their children more. Being a 2x surrogate and egg donor and being around many infertility circles, I know this to be true. People popping out children every time they look at their partner just add another oopsie to their brood, they just don't get it. They are the ones I see with 3 or 4 kids in tow talking on their cell phones at the park while the kid is yelling...."mom...mom...look at me mom...mooooooom....look at meeeeeeeeeee...mom?" It is sad. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this. Hell yes, at least they are at the park... ok. Yes, you took them outside.. but for god sake interact with them! P-L-A-Y with them! These years go by much to quickly and pretty soon they'll be asking you to drive them to work or for the keys to the car and if they can go to a movie with their friends and not with you anymore.

I know this time around I will be a different sort of parent. Live and learn so they say and it is so very true. My children now benefit from my knowledge and my future child(ren) will have a much different life than a lot of kids out there. We will interact with them, show them the world and PLAY with them. We do not wait for them to grow up and move away, we savour every day that we have with them. We enjoy every moment.

We will stop to smell the flowers...

Even Grover gets it...

2009-06-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Watch this one minute Sesame Street video and tell me why a Muppet and a toddler get it but millions of others don't.

Need I say more?

multiples...

2009-06-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

So I contacted the doc on my day one for June. Looks like the frozen transfer date will be around the 20th of August. Wow, we have an estimated date!

I have been thinking a lot about multiples lately and frankly triplets scare the crap out of me. I mean I have this one attempt at this, so I thought ok, I'll transfer 3 and have a good shot at getting one, but then Im reading some of these blogs where all 3 have stuck! There are complications for the Moms, for the babies, and nevermind having to raise 5 children...so I am just a little nervous to transfer 3. I think I will stick with 2. There is a fellow blogger who just transferred 3 and after TTC for years is pregnant with high numbers from the blood test. I am hoping for her sake as a single mother by choice it isn't more than 2. The little embryos can split! Causing quads or more, scary. I have reead that IVF has a high multiple rate due to assisted hatching etc. I will be stalking her blog tomorrow afternoon to find out what her ultrasound had to say.

So I am relatively young, been through 2 rounds of IVF before resulting in 1 child each. They both worked the first shot. I transferred 2 embies both times and ended up with one. I am torn... do I risk it and take this one chance I have and go with 3 or be truly realistic and just transfer 2. I know what I am leaning towards, but I just want it to work!

I am pretty sure I know what C's answer would be. She is terrified of have multiples of any sort. I know what the logical part of my brain is telling me I need to just go with that and stop agonizing over the decision!

New Beginnings...

2009-06-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

Woohoo, we bought the house! It's an almost 1500 sqft cabover.

What a difference a couple of months can make. We went from selling to renovating, to selling, buying, to not buying to buying our dream home. wow.

C and I have been looking at houses like this for years now. Around the time we first met she took me to the Parade of homes just to look around. I had never been before and I fell in love with the new style of home. I love the built in's and cabover bedroom. We are so excited. We move in August 7th. Ours finally sold just recently so we could finally get into the search for our new home. After a couple of weeks we managed to find this gem on Comfree. We will get the details finalized this week, but it's ours. I thought buying/selling with Comfree would be more difficult, not at all, in fact it is quite easy. Unfortunately, we didn't sell with comfree, would have saved ourselves about $10 grand if we did. Live and learn.

On the baby front I should get my schedule this week! I am to call in on my day one and they will prepare my schedule for August. Day one should be tomorrow or the next! I'm pretty pumped.

All is moving along quite FAST now. I'll update when I get my info from the clinic.

Creeping up fast...

2009-05-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

Well August it is! I have to call in to the clinic in June with my flow and then we are off and running - it is creeping up fast now. I will have transfer dates for my little totsicles in June! There have been a few bumps, but Im handling it surprisinly well. The clinic told me one price and now they are telling me $2000 more, which is a large chunk of change. I wasn't pleased. I complained and got it reduced about $1300.00 so I guess I can live with that under the circumstances. I can pay with my credit card too....haha... that means more airmiles. Gotta love the airmiles. I am hoping to take my kids somewhere HOT this coming winter as next it will be kind of busy (I hope).

We are going back and forth on the house issue. The market has slowed quite a bit and we are unable to get what we were hoping for our house. We found another one we love, and are going to look at it tonight but... unless we can sell this one, we may lose out on the other. I figure... what will be, will be and am trying not to stress about it... but from the look of this house, I love it already.

Congrats to those of you newly preggers. That makes me so happy to see!

2009-04-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

We're not going ahead with buying a new home. We are going to renovate instead. New tile in the kitchen bathroom and front entrance, new front door maybe a bit more. We spent the last week looking and decided we are best to stay where we are. We have more room than any of the newer homes we looked at. AND We have room for guppy should he or she come along.

I am going to paint the kitchen and A's room this weekend. I am looking forward to it. Painting is theraputic for me. I love the color we picked out for A's room. I can't wait to go and pick it up!

The obsessions are getting better, it's not so all consuming and C and I have talked a little bit more about the future and the possibility of Guppy. I feel better.

We are going to look at rings this weekend, we know what we want, and hope they are still there.

A's family b-day party is tonight. The kids have been away this week at Nanny's for spring break. I'm looking forward to having them back and celebrating A's b-day with her. She was happy when i called her this am to wish her a happy b-day. She said she is having a good time. I am glad they are not being to hard on her. She is very sensitive.

Happy birthday sweet A! xo

2009-04-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, today my baby girl turns 11. I can't believe she has been in my life for so long now. My baby. ELEVEN. Not so much a baby anymore. In the fall she will be going into grade six. She is such a light in my life. I love her so much.

Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart. I love you!

Please stop growing up so fast!

Love Mom.

2009-03-24T11:27:00.001-07:00

Z's birthday was yesterday... fifteen, my first born. Wow. Where does the time go? It's painful to think sometimes that our lives are just flying by. I feel that I had so much going on when he was born that I didn't get to fully enjoy him. I was young, had to go back to work early, he stayed with his Nanny, and i worked. I miss those days with him, in our tiny townhouse, just him and I. It makes me sad to think in 3 years he'll be an ADULT. Wow. Tell me where the time went. I miss you my little man.

I work in post-partum, I guess that doesn't really make my baby obsession any better. Monday-Friday are consumed with babies. Baby referrals, mom referrals, babies, babies babies. I just can't get away from it.

Over the weekend we went to look at houses. We want to get something a little bigger for the kids. Their rooms now are just so small and crowded. They are getting to an age where they spend a lot of time in their rooms, and I want them to be comfortable. We are going to find out what our home is worth now in order to see how far up the property ladder we can climb.

Z's birthday was yesterday, he got a bunch of money to go clothes shopping with. I'll take him and A out this weekend to do some shopping. A has her b-day party with friends at Brushfire ceramic studio, they will make pottery and have some fun with friends. Should be fun.

Obsessive thoughts

2009-03-12T07:29:00.001-07:00

So, I've been feeling obsessive lately. If we go ahead with the transfer we will be doing it in August. But right now, it is all-consuming. (Ok, so it's decided, and C told me to just go for it, so it's not if, it's when in my mind more about this later...)

My goodness I am totally driven to reproduce – it’s unbelievable. If someone told me building a house or starting a business would be this difficult I’d not give it a second thought. Yet, this is compelling. I want to grow old with family around me. I want to feel like I left a footprint on the planet and an impact on my family.

Most every waking moment I am wishing it was closer to August, wandering the malls looking at baby stuff, thinking about baby stuff, surfing the net about baby stuff...ugh.. is there something wrong with me? Do all women who will be TTC in a few months feel like I do? I am frustrated with myself. I am normally a very patient person, but I don't feel so patient right now. I just need to know if this is going to work. I have one shot at it, and if it doesn't work, I need to move on, truly move on. (Can I do that? I pray I can)

I have even found the Nursery I want to create for our(my) new little one. It's similar to the Sweet Dreams Nursery and the one in Turquoise and White Ikea has on their website. It will be similar to that. I love green and the crisp green and white is such my style. It will be a gorgeous nursery for a little boy or girl.

Yes, it is decided for me. I have this one shot at it. I am going to go for it. I have to.

It bothers me that I can't show my happiness about this decision, or talk about it. This is not how I wanted it to be. I want to feel something I have wanted my whole life... but again and again, I dont' get it, I guess I just never will.

Maybe as the nice weather starts and I can be out and doing more with the kids and dog I won't be obsessing so much. I need to do something with my time. I think I will paint this weekend. I have some trim I still need to do in our master bath we renovated last fall. I also want to take A out and see what color she would like me to paint her room. I'd like for it to be brighter, it seems so dark and drab right now. I think she needs a change, I am sure she will agree.

Anyways... On a more positive note... and something that should keep my mind elsewhere for a time...

I am going to Las Vegas with my friend K in April. I am really looking forward to that. I've never been to Las Vegas. We will be staying at the Luxor Pyramid hotel. We will be seeing Circ du Soleil as well, I think the water one which is called "O". We are going Easter weekend, which kind of sucks in a small way because I will be away from my family at Easter. I promised the kids that I will make it up to them. We are going to Edmonton at the end of March together, just the three of us. It's a 14 hour drive, but I am looking forward to the alone time with the kids. More time to think about the things I want in life, the changes I need to make and the way I want things to be. It will be good for us.

I wanted to get a few things out of the way before I TTC'd. I've been to the Tropics (Punta Cana) in Feb and now Las Vegas. At least I can say I've done a few things. Travel has never been a big deal for me. I have taken the kids to Florida to Disney a few years back, and all over Canada, but never until C, have I been all that interested in going too far.

We didn't take the kids to Punta Cana this year, and they were disappointed, I felt bad. I enjoy my little family and want to do things with them, I like to include them in things. I have no qualms in taking the kids to a tropical paradise, but C wanted for just "us" to go, so I did that for her.

Next winter after I (we) TTC I may take the kids, because after, if it works, it will be a year or two before we can go again. I wouldn't want to take a young infant somewhere like that, but a 2 yr old I can handle. I will have to see how it all goes.

Well, that's it for now, I should really go and get some work done. I'm getting behind already.

A great day to you all!

My Creations

2009-03-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

I thought I would share these with you. These are the type of babies I create. They are called reborn dolls. They are created from a plain blank plastic doll sculpt. I paint them to look like a real baby and then put them together with a cuddly body. They are floppy like a real baby and smell and look so real. I got into this over the years while longing for a baby. I sell them to people who are looking to fill a void, or want a replica of their own baby. It is a hobby I really enjoy. I have adopted babies all over the world, Russia, USA, Canada, UK etc etc.

C finds it creepy having baby body parts all over the house and in the oven. (It is a heat set paint so I have to put the body parts in the oven!)

That might be creepy, but the finished product is quite lovely.

BCP's

2009-03-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

The clinic has already put me on BCP’s for now to make sure my cycles are regulated. August just seems so far away.

A woman at my work just found out she’s pregnant. She had a miscarriage while I was a few months pregnant with peanut. I am so happy for her. I felt terrible when she lost her baby. It felt awkward that I was pregnant and she was no longer. It’s not a nice feeling to be walking around with a big belly that is not even really yours (re: surrogacy) when someone else is dying inside as each month turns to the next without another pregnancy. She’s been trying almost a year now and ended up on clomid before she finally got pregnant. She is in the very early stages right now, and I really hope it all works out for her.

As for us, I feel good that I am on Birth Control. Even though in our situation we would never need it. haha. Makes me feel that we're on our way, slowly as it may be.

Fears...

2009-03-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

I made the decision to get my tubes tied, I made that choice. I sometimes feel now that I don’t really have the right to be given another child, and that is where my fear lies now.

My fear now is that it will not work for me. I have done IVF twice before with success on the first try! Why am I afraid it won't work this time? I think maybe because I only have ONE shot at it. When I was doing this for other people, I knew we were going to try at least three cycles, so there was not a lot of worry involved.

I never felt the worry, it worked the first attempt.

I am afraid it won’t be the same for me now that I am doing this for myself.

C’s fear (when we have talked in the past) is it will produce more than one babe. That I could be some Octuplet Mom! Haha… but seriously... No, we would be transferring 2 embryos (maybe 3 depending on the quality and for a better chance of having one.)

It is now only March. The transfer would be sometime in August or September, it seems a lifetime away. I promised C that if we decide to do this we will have a summer where we can do things together and have a good time, as last summer I was pregnant with the peanut. This way if it works I will be pregnant over the winter and have the baby in the spring of 2010, which would work out nicely for all of us.

Back on the baby track...One shot...

2009-03-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

How all this baby talk started was that 3 weeks after peanut was born, I contacted my fertility clinic with whom by now I have done now 2 surrogacies and a couple of egg donations.

I wanted to see what my options were if I was able to convince C for us to TTC.

Anyways, I talked my fertility Doctor (who is the most amazing by the way! He is in Toronto and contact me if you want his info) about my options.

Tubal reversal which is surgery, very costly and not guaranteed to work.

And..

The possibility of a complete IVF cycle myself since I have had such great success with that both times I did surrogacy’s.

And…

The possibility of IVF using the remaining eggs that I recently donated to my friends. That cycle ended up producing 38 eggs, so there are quite a few remaining.

My Fert Doc thought that my last proposal was a fabulous one. I could use a couple of the remaining embryos from my friends transfer and implant them in me. One time, one shot.

My fertility Doctor and I had a great chat. He is giving me the cycle for cost. It is less than half of what a normal frozen egg transfer would cost.

I have one shot at this, 2 (or 3 which is very scary) little embryos to be implanted.